(Inspired by a talk with my mom earlier and my growing sadness over the fact that I’ll probably never get a real job. Read: pessimistic girl on the loose)
Look, I know I don’t have a real job just yet – having settled to go freelancing for the time being, but I’m sorry for being a disappointment.
I hate being at home, all. The. Time. It’s making me anxious, paranoid, and insecure. My friends have jobs already, are on seminars, and in law school. Meanwhile, there’s me, who could barely leave the house without worrying about my little sister at home.
I know you guys expected much from me, being the responsible child who had to bear the weight of responsibilities you can’t shoulder alone, having to act like the second parent to my siblings, and for being your caretaker when either of you gets hospitalized – I knew you guys expected much from me. You guys knew just how stubborn I am, for always pursuing what I want regardless of the risks. You guys know how persistent I am, always picking fights on purpose just to make people tick, even if it causes too many white hairs. And you guys know just how ambitious I am, saying things like ‘when I graduate, see you around’ or ‘leave the expenses to me’. But you guys also know that I’m still a kid, I’m still vulnerable, fragile to the real world regardless if I already have a realistic mind set.
Which is why I’m saying I’m sorry for failing your expectations, for never going the distance. I can’t just yet. The timing just won’t agree with me, fate still has plans for me I guess. And honestly? I’m scared to brave at least a baby step to adulthood. That’s how I am, I’m always scared of the first few steps, knowing that it’s me, and that every little thing I do will have an effect (read: I’m an overthinker, the butterfly effect’s always in my head).
But know this: I was serious when I said that I want you guys to stop thinking about me, I want you to think for yourselves. I was serious when I said that when the time comes, it’ll be my turn to take care of you guys. I was serious when I said it’ll be my turn to look after my siblings. I was serious about my promises, and I’m fighting just to make them come true.
For now, just trust me. What I’m doing is temporary. I’ll get a real job soon enough. But even before that happens, know that I’m still your responsible child ready to take on the world one day at a time, and some chores.